


How I Once Belonged

by WrittenFire



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Depression, Gen, How to tag this thing, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, References to Depression, he technically does but it's not permanent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:20:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25010761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WrittenFire/pseuds/WrittenFire
Summary: Camelot has finally found peace, yet Merlin is still in turmoil. Feeling untethered and alone, he looks for peace, for time to heal in Avalon.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	How I Once Belonged

**Author's Note:**

> so I wrote the first paragraph for this over a year ago now, and last night I was suddenly struck with the urge to write this story and finished it. fair warning, if the tags didn't warn you sufficiently, this is sad. very sad.

Looking out at all of his friends, Merlin almost— _ almost— _ changes his mind. They are grouped together in the middle of the hall, surrounding Arthur, a golden light seated in his throne. It’s a familiar scene, now; the King with his Queen, the Knights of the Round Table standing strong together while people look on in awe. There used to be a time when Merlin would be there as well, flitting through the group as he made his rounds, sharing in the smiles and the laughter and  _ basking  _ in the warmth their love gave him. 

There was once a time Merlin felt like he truly— _ finally _ —belonged, and it was with that group of people.

But lately...lately, it was as if something had changed. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but it was like he had been set adrift from the rest. Something had separated him from those he'd claimed as family, and he did not know how to fix it.

But truthfully...Merlin was no longer sure that he  _ wanted  _ to. It was hard to find the want for anything, these days. Since the day he found out about his immortality, Merlin had been feeling more and more of the bad, and less of the good.

Discovering that you’re immortal, that you are destined to outlive every single loved one you hold dear… it's a hard thing to process. Having to do it on your own because one even knew about his almost death didn't help. The overwhelming despair over waking up to pain once again scares Merlin more than anything else had before it.

It was really no wonder, though, was it? Without Will or Lancelot, he had no friend who knew him fully. And with his mother in another city and Gaius held busy with his medic duties… Merlin found himself more and more often bottling up his doubts and fears. Every negative emotion he had was left to grow, like a poisoned wound left to fester.

Merlin was left alone with an overwhelming sadness he didn't know how to fix. It was a heavy weight that urged him to retreat, to try and mend it on his own. It wasn’t long before he had pulled fully back from his friends, closing in on himself until the numbness had swallowed him whole.

More often he found himself drawn in a flashback of that day, the fear of dying slowly ebbing away to come lapping back as a deep longing for that final, deep peace. Thoughts of how he could find that peace clamored in his head, ideas being considered and denied left and right.

The thing was, Merlin couldn’t see himself permanently bringing his existence to an end. For though Morgana was finally slain (a memory that will haunt him for eternity) and there was peace in the land, Merlin knew that Arthur wasn't through being in need of him. Instinct told him that someday, he would be needed again.

The thought of leaving his mother pained him, but he had an unsettling inkling that out of everyone, she would understand his pain the most. Once the idea of semi-permanently ceasing to exist entered his mind, Merlin could think of nothing else. He just wanted  _ peace _ , and to heal; a small break from crushing destiny was all that he asked for.

It's not until his birthday passes with little fanfare that Merlin is able to reconcile what he was to do with himself. A few key people went out of their way to wish him a happy day—Gause and Gwaine, Gwen and  _ Arthur _ —but even with that attention—attention he pretends to see a shred of love in—isn't enough to lift his spirits.

Each day after that is harder than the last, until finally one day he can no longer take it. Gaius runs out of herbs that take at least a week to retrieve, and Merlin jumps at the chance to help and retrieve them for him. It doesn't take much to convince Gaius and Arthur that he should be the one to go—and alone—and all too soon Merlin finds himself out on the open road, heart racing at setting the plan in motion.

Once enough ground has been covered that Merlin can mess up his tracks he forks left instead of right, following the bright thrum of magic leading him directly towards Avalon. The closer he nears the calmer he grows, a sense of finality ringing through the air.

Merlin should be scared, he knew, by the knowledge that he would essentially be dying until he was needed again. But all he could feel was a deep relief that soon, all this pain and suffering would be naught but a bad dream. 

The lake seems to glow when Merlin finally enters the clearing, Freya standing in resplendent beauty at the shore line, water lapping at her feet. Her smile is sad, but her eyes hold a depth of understanding that cracks at his already broken heart.

All is silent, the sound of Merlin’s feet falling heavy to the forest floor the only sound around for miles.

“Are you sure of this, Merlin?” Freya asked softly, needing that last bit of reassurance.

“I am.” Merlin replied confidently, stepping into the lake and reaching out a hand for hers. “I’m ready to rest, to heal—to accept any and all future consequences of me walking temporarily away from my destiny.” They clasp hands, Merlin’s vow resonating deep in the magic that surrounded them.

“Then rest to heal you shall have.” Freya promises, sealing the vow with a gentle kiss. Foreheads rest against one another as Merlin begins to fade, losing solidity until he disappears from sight, stepping into the welcoming arms of Avalon.

**Author's Note:**

> soo..yeah. here is this sadness. the way I see it, the moment Merlin is in Avalon fully letters he had written for his family and friends appear in their rooms, explaining what happened, that he's gone. it leaves a group of broken hearts, and in the case of Hunith, Merlin was right. While heartbroken and sad, she _does_ understand his pain and reasoning. anyway. there's my further thought processes for you guys. 
> 
> please let me know what you think! this piece is pretty personal, so I'd really love to hear back from you!


End file.
